A father's advice to his teenage boys
by Norm Vanderfeen

Dear Sons 

I’ve got some advice for you boys now your higher testosterone levels are driving you towards a lifetime of interaction with the opposite sex. We’ll say the opposite sex because we are dealing with that part of a Sheila that deals with her chosen life partner. In things like work and lifestyle they are just like Blokes   

I should point out that, as you know, that I'm no expert on the subject and worked out none of this on my own. All the information here has been supplied by women in what for me were moments of complete enlightenment. I’ve just added the Bloke’s perspective.

I'll start with a bit of scientific data to explain the profound difference between Blokes and Sheilas.
A Sex Education class were given a list of sentences and told to pick the one which best described words ‘sex’ and ‘love’.
The majority of girls picked ”When two people love each other very much, it is morally acceptable for them to engage in sex”
The majority of boys picked “I love sex”

Now Sheilas aren’t like your mother or sister.  The women in your family know all your faults and accept you for them.
Sheilas are different, since primary school they have been developing a mental picture of the perfect Mr Right.They are looking for the alpha male who is strong and aggressive but at the same time sensitive and caring with a gentle nature. He should be a successful business leader but at the same time spend lots of time at home with her and the varying number of future kids. He’ll view shopping as a sport not a chore and love to spend hours looking for the perfect set of curtains to match the new carpet. He’ll enjoy hours of ‘she said - then she said’ conversation and really be interested in what ‘she’ were wearing at the time. Of course he’ll much prefer cuddling up on the couch to watch girlie flicks over going to the pub with his mates. At all times He’ll show concern for her concerns. 

Fortunately for the future of the species, sheilas looking for mates are the eternal optimists. They have rose coloured Xray glasses to look through the rough exterior of all the drunk blokes in a pub and find a rough diamond ready to me moulded into Mr. Right. While these glasses stay on and there is a chance the Bloke will be moulded , all will be good in the world and passion will reign supreme.

Of course the bloke will be able to see past the passion and will think her long list of suggested changes is cute. He’ll remain attentive and be concerned for her concerns while passion reigns and this greatly extends the time before the Sheila realises that he is just a dumb lazy slob after all. This time period could even last until there is a wedding.

Unfortunately there is a food served at this ceremony which has been scientifically proven to reduce a Sheilas ‘passion’. It’s called the wedding cake. The effects of this cake are slow acting and won’t kick in until the honeymoon is over.

That’s when the following changes will slowly start to happen.

Passions.will turn to rations, “Don’t stop” becomes “DON’T”… “STOP” and instead of twice a night, it’s twice a month..

Once you were her Idol, now you’ll just be Idle.

“It’s like I’m living in a dream” turns to “He’s living in a dream”.

She used to say she loved the way you took control of a situation, now you are a controlling manipulative prick.

“You take my breath away” and “time is standing still” becomes “I feel like I’m suffocating and time is standing still”.

“I can hardly believe we found each other” becomes “I can’t believe I ended up with a lazy prick like you”

 “I found my Mr. Right but I didn’t find out until we were married that his first name was Always!”

“Charming and noble” becomes Chernobyl.

Now these Blokes get themselves into this mess because they don't understand its all a numbers game. Forget about all the maths and science you learnt at school, this is the most important information you will ever read. I read the following somewhere a few years ago and it was a moment of enlightenment..

Blokes and Sheilas  both keep a running tally in a relationship of who contributes what. The Blokes work out the size of the contribution and total the points accordingly. The Sheilas total the contributions by giving a point to each one contribution regardless of the size each. I'll illustrate with an extreme example. A Bloke will buy his Sheila a new car and reckon he’s added 1000 points but the Sheila sees it as one contribution and gives it one point. Cooking dinner is one point and washing up is one point so at the end of the day he is still one point behind. The bloke is resentful because  he doesn't understand this. The  Sheila is resentful  because the Bloke is resentful, and so it goes. 
So what the blokes have got to do is get themselves a few easy points.   Flowers, one point , compliments are good for a few points a day. Bringing beer home doesn't count if you're the only one who drinks it.
The big points are made with the housework. It ain't rocket science. Its really easy  to throw  some clothes in a washing -machine and  push the button. You can look on the internet for an explaination on using clothspegs.  If you haven't got a dishwasher, get one. You can load it while you're waiting for the morning cup of coffee. Vacuum cleaners can be mastered after some determined effort.  Once you have balanced the tally board, you have a level playing field and the games should begin!

The best partnerships are where both partners are giving to level of their abilities.

Love Dad

PS: If you are going to start having conversations with your Sheila  then there will be times when you get yourself into hot water without  realising. I've added a languge translator written by a kind Sheila who understood this.

The 13 most innocuous, common words, phrases and rids, and what they really mean when a woman says them
1 Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about, but need to shut you up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those very arguments.

2 Five minutes: This is, l half an hour It is equivalent to the five’Ifl that your football it’s an even trade.

3.NothIng: This actually means “something” and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has when she doesn’t expect that you even want to understand. It is not worth even beginning to tell you what is wrong.

“Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last

“Five Minutes” and end up with the word “Fine”.

4. Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows):This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing”, and will end with the word “Fine”.

5. Go Ahead (with normal eyebrows):This means “I give up” or, “You do what you want, because I don’t care” .You will get a raised-eyebrows “Go ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and a “Fine”, and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

6.Loud Sigh: Not actually a word, but still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”.

7.Soft Sigh: Another verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that you can understand. She is content. Your

move, or breathe, or do anything to existence, and she will stay ca

8.Oh: This word, followed by ar means trouble. Example: ”Oh I talked to so and so about I not fl night?’ If she says “Oh” before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.

9. Oh (upward exclamation, beginning of a sentence): Usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie any more to get out of it, or you will get a raised-eyebrows “Go ahead”, and then you are really are in the fertilizer.

10. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard about whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a raised-eyebrows “Go ahead”. At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in big trouble.

11. Please Do: This is an offer, not a statement. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done.

12. Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say “My pleasure” or “You’re welcome”

13. Thanks a lot: This is vastly different from “Thanks”. A woman will say, “Thanks a lot,” when she is really having a go at you, especially with a heavy emphasis on the word “lot”. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. You can bet on it - it will be followed by the “Loud Sigh”.

A philosophical question for the misogynists

If a man says something in the woods, and there is no woman around ... is he still wrong?